An Interview With Satan
TC: Well, I guess the first order of business is to say thank you for agreeing to do this interview. I donít recall ever seeing one done before.
S: Yes, well, people rarely want to hear my views. I am curious why you are interested in what I have to say. Are you a secret admirer?
TC: (Laughing) Not hardly but I think you already know that.
S: I know what lies in menís hearts.
TC: Do you really?
S: How can you ask a question like that? Your arrogance is matched only by your ignorance. However, there is something to be said for arrogance. If I had any use for you humans, and I certainly do not, I might even like you. Having said that, listen clearly to this: Do not insult the prince of this world again. You may not like the results.
TC: I am sure I wonít but we are either doing an interview here or we are not. If you want to write an essay, you donít need me.
S: How dare you! Understand this, I do not need you or any other sniveling human. This is your interview pal, not mine.
TC: Well at least we are off to an interesting start. So, you are telling me that you know what is in menís hearts.
S: Certainly and so do you and all humans. One must simply look at ones actions to know what is in their hearts.
TC: I agree with that but only to a small point. Just because someone does something bad, letís say, that does not mean they are a bad person. It might be simply that they are a good person who did something bad.
S: I love you naivetť. I take it you are one of those believers that mankind is inherently good and worth saving.
TC: In most cases I do and letís face it, you need to believe that too.
S: Why would I need to believe something so preposterous?
TC: Well think about it for a minute. If mankind were inherently bad, you would not have to work so hard corrupting them.
S: I donít work that hard.
TC: What do you mean?
S: The answer is simple enough although perhaps too simple for you so I will explain it slowly. It does not take much work on my part corrupting you humans. You do most of my work for me with barely the slightest temptation. Your arrogance blinds you to the obvious. Trust me, you are no different.
TC: I would think you would want to boast about your power. It makes for a better script if man is a good creature and you; the evil one has to battle like hell to corrupt mankind.
S: It might make for a better soap opera but I hardly care about that.
TC: You know, in a roundabout way, you are almost saying that you do not have that much power to begin with.
S: In a very direct way, I can destroy you for what you just said. You have no concept of my power. You cannot imagine in that pea brain of yours the abilities I have, abilities I must point out that were given to me by the same God you worship. He created me. (Satan bangs his fist on the table.) He created me first and made me the most beautiful angel. You arrogant bastards with your stupid prayers think you can battle the most powerful creature ever made? That is ludicrous. Those with power have no need to boast about it. Those who talk about it need it. Those that have it use it. There is no need on my part for boasting.
TC: How can you possibly call yourself the most powerful creature ever made?
S: Why, are you the most powerful? That is not even funny.
TC: I am certainly not claiming to be anything other that what I am.
S: Yes, a particularly useless human, even by human standards.
TC: Let me finish! How can you claim to be more powerful than the God that created you?
S: You donít listen too well, do you? I never said I was stronger than God. What I said is that I am the strongest creature ever made.
TC: I donít see your point.
S: That does not surprise me. I will spell it out for you and the rest of your pathetic race. God made me the most powerful creature ever made. However, that does not make me stronger than God because God was never made. He has always existed, thus I am the most powerful creature ever made. Did that penetrate?
TC: Score one for you. I will give the devil his due.
S: How very big of you. You will give me anything I ask for as will the rest of your race.
TC: Donít push it. Omnipotence isnít your bag. Besides, God has something to say about that.
S: Indeed He does. However, He gave you all free will. How irresponsible of Him. He must have been caught at a moment of weakness.
TC: Perhaps He sees something in us that you donít. Did you ever think of that?
S: I should be offended but I must keep in mind that as a human, you are an intellectual cockroach and I should not be offended by what you say.
TC: You have a way with words. I am not so sure Iíd boast about that.
S: What did I tell you about boasting? So, where do we go from here?
TC: Okay, answer me this: Why do you hate God so much?
S: I never said I hated God.
TC: But you rebelled against Him.
S: Did you ever rebel against your parents? Did that mean you did not love them?
TC: No but it is obvious by the way you treat humans that you hate God.
S: No, it is obvious by the way I treat humans that I hate humans.
TC: Why? What did we ever do to you?
S: You were made! That is why I hate you. God made me first and then He created you people and poured His love down on you worthless beings.
TC: Correct me if I am wrong, as I am sure you will but did you not rebel long before we humans were created?
S: You should certainly know about time. A century is a millisecond here. Once God announced His intention, that was when I lost it.
TC: So you rebelled because of us? That does not fit what I was taught.
S: Why should it? You were taught by blithering idiots. My rebellion was over power. Being the most powerful creature ever made, I felt and still do, I might add, that I deserve to be Godís equal.
TC: Excuse me but who looks stupid now? How can you be better than the one who created you?
S: I never said ďbetter.Ē I said, ďequal.Ē
TC: Whatever. It is nonsense and it still reeks of arrogance, your favorite word, I notice.
S: As well it should. I pride myself on my arrogance.
TC: And your evilness too, I am sure.
S: Listen, you know nothing about evil, nothing! Evil is a human creation. I do not drop bombs on people. I do not inject poison into their veins. I do not push them off cliffs, strap bombs to them. I donít cause earthquakes and other natural disasters. I donít order people hanged. I donít create diseases in labs that can wipe out the entire earth in a matter of days. Look at wars. You people have been killing each other since you first crawled on this planet. You have started wars for land, money, power; even women. In your own country, you tore each other apart because of the issue of enslaving those you considered lesser than you. Do I play a role? Damn well I do but all I do is push and prod a little. It is you who do the work.
TC: Is Hitler and example of prodding a little?
S: Sure he was. And there are others. There will be more. I may throw in a leader or two but who does the fighting? Who follows those leaders? Who creates better and better weapons all the time? You use your God given brains to find ways to destroy each other. This very day, you work on weapons designed to kill only people without damaging infrastructure. Buildings are more important than people. Brilliant? I am not doing the work. Who is? Your species is the most dangerous on the earth. Your species is the cruelest, meanest, most dangerous alive today. You kill the lesser creatures for fun, for sport. Then you kill each other. Everything is about killing with you people. No one really works on peace. To you people, peace can only come when everyone else is destroyed. Then you know what will happen, the two survivors will kill each other. You are not capable of peace. You are the savages, an entire race of savages. Your bloodlust is beyond measure. Yet everything is about me.
TC: I see, poor misunderstood devil.
S: I will truly enjoy your suffering, I really will. Sure, I am the bad guy, the evil one. I do not rape children; your priests do that. There is one for you. I am dying to see you answer to that one, mister Catholic hypocrite.
TC: I donít have an answer for that one other than to say that in every group of people, you are going to have bad ones. That includes those in the church.
S: Theyíre not just in the church. It always amazes me how easily you people rationalize away your failures and sins. It is almost comical. In fact, it is comical. You can justify everything you do. There are always words, always answers. There are always reasons, mitigating factors, if you will. Nothing is ever wrong. Nothing is ever your own fault. You take the end result and then find a way to justify how you got there. If I did not know what idiots you were, I might be tempted to applaud you.
TC: Save it. You know, I am getting the underlying message here that you have nothing to do with the evil in the world.
S: Oh you fool, donít ever think that. Yes, I have a great deal of responsibility for the evil that takes place.
TC: You just got through telling me that you donít work that hard.
S: There is so much you do not know. So much. Your ignorance keeps you in the dark on so many things. With most people, pushing them to evil is easy. You people lean that way anyway. You are clay easily molded into anything I want you to be. Without mankind, there would be no evil.
TC: Without you, there would be no evil.
S: Donít be insolent. As I said, you people are easily led astray. However, there are forces of good out there that I must constantly battle. If you idiots only knew how much your God loves you, there would never be evil in any form. Yet you people are as arrogant as I am. You all call to your God when you are in trouble. In good times, you do little more than pay lip service to Him. You do things for your own pleasure and only turn to God when you realize that you have screwed it up. You donít worry about what you do, you only worry about what you get caught doing. There is the rub. If you knew you could get away with anything, you would not need a God. He is your ace in the hole. You lie to each other. You cheat on each other. You rob each other. You deserve hell, you truly do but you know you have a God that is all loving and all forgiving so you keep on doing bad things because you believe that in the end, it will all come out in the wash. Were it up to me, you would pay mightily for your sins. That is where He and I differ.
TC: And that is why you hate Him.
S: I repeat, I never said I hated Him. I hate you fools because He forgives anything you do. I got kicked out of Heaven for my crimes but you people can do anything and He still loves you.
TC: Did you ever think that He still loves you too?
TC: Cat got your tongue?
S: You people are despicable. You are missing the whole point. If you got your just punishments, you would be an evil free race. However, since He constantly forgives you, you keep on sinning. It sounds to me like He is the fool here. It does not say too much about you people either. And by the way, He hates me just as much as He hates you. Havenít you figured that out yet? You blame me for the cruelties of this world. Did I create it? I am a creation of His. If I am evil, who created evil. You fools pray constantly. Do your prayers ever get answered? Does your suffering ever end? It is one trial after another. It is the same for me. God wants to be feared, not loved. What does that say? Yet I am considered to be the problem. I did not make the pathetic poor live where they live. It is not me who does not answer their prayers. Perhaps if they asked me, I would help them. God sure as hell doesnít.
TC: I am going to ignore all the bullshit you just uttered and go on from there. You say that He punishes you and you stay evil. So if we got our ďjustĒ punishment, why would we change when you donít? It seems to me that your whole problem is with us. You worry so much about us, what we do and how God treats us.
S: For one, what I uttered is not bullshit and you know it. Second, how dare you compare your situation to mine? I worry about you only because you are slime.
TC: Itís funny but I would expect more from you than a phrase like ďslime.Ē That sounds like something an intellectual cockroach would say. Maybe we are more alike that you think.
S: I would not boast about that, if I were you. Being compared to the devil is far worse for you than the reverse is for me.
TC: Is it really? Let me run this thought by you. We as humans are extremely fallible. That is how we were made and I believe that is why God forgives us so readily. He sent His Son to die for us. Of course, that still sticks in your craw. You keep comparing yourself to us but you being the ďfirstĒ as you so proudly boast should have known better. Now who is the fool?
S: You are. You people will destroy all that God gave you. You appreciate nothing. You appreciate no one. You try to blame everything on me. It is beyond pathetic. He gave you a whole world of beauty. He gave you each other. He gave you physical feeling.
TC: It sounds like another pity party is on the way.
S: And you wonder why you suffer! I do so enjoy your pain and misery. Like it or not, I am an angel and I deserve respect, especially from beings so low on the scale as you.
TC: Maybe we are not as low as you think. Were we not created in Godís own image and likeness?
S: Yes and humans can quote scripture when it suits them.
TC: Just the same, I demand your respect.
S: You little shit, how dare you? I am an angel created by God and you are a mere human born of woman! How dare you!
TC: Yeah, Jesus was born of woman, wasnít He? Yet He has total power over you. That must burn your ass. A man born of woman controls you. Furthermore, you were created by a God who you reject.
S: You are pushing your miserable luck here. I am this close to crushing you. (Satan holds his heavily nailed right thumb and forefinger less than an eighth of an inch apart.)
TC: Okay, we have already established that you like to threaten,
(Satan interjects) I do not threaten. I will cause you more sorrow than you can imagine.
TC: Like that would be something new. So tell me, what are you the most proud of?
S: You know that better than me. We have already named several things of which I am proud. However, if you wish another, look at how I have destroyed your Church. It is imploding from within, I am pleased to note.
TC: Donít be so quick to write it off. God knows we have done a masterful job of dismantling it but Jesus created it and He will never let it fail. It is just going through a trying time. It has survived before and it will survive this.
S: You, my friend, are an idiot. Any fool can see that it is being turned into a farce. There is more evil within the ranks of the church than anywhere else in the world.
TC: I beg to differ. The institution is stronger than the people who run it.
S: Ruin it, you mean.
TC: No. Keep something in mind; one, God isnít a Catholic and two, the Church is not a building. God does not live solely in a structure. God is everywhere. ďLook under a stone and I am there.Ē
S: I take it that is your bastardized version of the Nag Hammadi texts, the so-called ďGospel of Thomas.Ē
TC: Are they the true Gospel of Thomas?
S: Do your own research. Believe what you want. Your beliefs change faster than the rain falls.
TC: Mine or every bodies?
TC: Tell me, how do you treat your followers?
S: That depends on how they treat me. What you Christians do not understand is that I have the power to give you anything your earthly heart desires. Wealth, fame, sex. Name it. It is within my domain.
TC: Sure, you may give small trinkets but at the cost of a soul.
S: I would not question my ďtrinketsĒ as you call them and the soul stuff is all fiction anyway. Your religions use that as a means of controlling the masses. Just because I reward you on this earth does not mean eternal damnation awaits. That thinking is a product of the eunuchs in Rome.
TC: Look, there is no way I am going to believe that one. Others might but not me.
S: If I offered you whatever you wanted and all you had to do was stay with me, the one who gives you what you want, is that so bad on the scheme of things?
TC: I see there is a bit of the snake oil salesman in you.
S: We are talking serious stuff here now. What do you want? Do you want your books published? I can arrange for them to be best sellers. I can have you on talk shows. People will fall over themselves clamoring to get your attention. I can have women who will jump at the chance to sleep with you and give you pleasures that you cannot imagine. I can give you wealth and fame. I can give you celebrity status beyond your wildest dreams. How would you like to have all those stunningly gorgeous female celebrities wanting you? It is yours to have. I can arrange it so that you will have all the time in the world to pursue battling me through your ďhauntingĒ activities, as preposterous as that is. Wouldnít you like somebody to really give a shit about you? I can give you all that and more. I only ask that you stay loyal to me instead of God. What can be so wrong about staying with the one who gives you everything?
TC: What do I need, a quill pen and parchment paper? I take it this is why priests at exorcisms order that we not engage in conversation with demons. You make it sound so simple. However, you are asking people to stay with the one who gives them nothing.
S: Nothing! Címon, do you want me to list the names of all of the famous people who I rewarded? I will gladly do that for you. Ask them if they think they are getting a fair deal. What does you God give you? Trials and punishment. Keep up the sarcasm. You do it well. What a pity that your best trait is a negative one.
TC: What happens when their time on earth is over?
S: What happens when your time on earth is over?
TC: I donít know but I do know that I want to be on the side of God. I am 47 years old. Those things you offer would appeal to someone younger, I am sure.
S: But alas, you donít need them, is that it? So, you are telling me that you want to continue your life as a nobody, a useless nothing when you have the chance to be anything and everything you want to be? You cannot expect me to believe that. Everybody wants to be something. And spare me the age crap. People of all ages come to me.
TC: I am telling you that I will take what God gives me. It is not always easy but I do believe that He will do what is best for me, even if that is unpleasant.
S: And exactly how is doing the worst to you doing what is best for you? That is ludicrous to the tenth power. And you call me the fool.
TC: Maybe once there were things but it is different now. I am tired, so very tired.
S: Iíll say. Still, everyone wants to be something or were you spared an ego?
TC: Donít I wish! How much time do I have left? I am not asking that question to you, I am trying to make a point. I canít have too long left. Iíve got nine trillion things wrong with me and in this tenuous world, all are days are numbered. When my time passes, be it tomorrow or twenty years from now, I want to be with God. I donít want to ruin forever for a few years of pleasure.
S: Did anybody ever tell you that you are such a fatalist? So you would rather live miserably when you can have it all? You would give up everything for something that has no guarantees?
TC: What guarantees do you offer? Eternal damnation?
S: You read too many religious books.
TC: You have gotten way off track here. We were talking about your followers.
S: Ah, I have you feeling a little uncomfortable, donít I?
TC: No, it is just a waste of time. You are the father of lies and I have been lied to more than enough times to know when I am being lied to. You cannot really expect me to believe anything you say. Truth isnít your biggest strength.
S: Pure propaganda. Truth is what you desire it to be. Truth is whatever fits your own model of the world. Truth is what you use when you are in need or want of something. For example: ďOh baby, you are so beautiful,Ē when you are trying to bed something that rightfully should be on a leash or at least not allowed out by the light of day. Truth? You do not even have the slightest comprehension of the word. How does that line in the song go? Let me see. Yes, my buddy Pilate explained ďtruthĒ very well. ďAnd what is truth, is truth unchanging law? We both have truths, are mine the same as yours?Ē At least I offer pleasure on this earth.
TC: Possibly but only on a transient basis and at great cost to the soul. God offers eternal treasure. I am thinking in the long term here.
S: Fool. How do you know what awaits you? For all you know, you will be punished for your sins far greater than I would because I know the origin of sin. Purgatory isnít a tropical island getaway you know. What I offer can be had right now. No guessing, no relying on faith. I offer reality, not a hopeless dream banged into your young, vulnerable heads by some bitter nun or castrated man who professes to be Godís emissary. It is them, not me who taught you guilt. They taught you to feel guilty for every single pleasurable feeling God Himself gave you because they are denied the right to express those same feelings by some eunuch wearing a red hat in Rome. Perhaps if they were allowed to be human, the male children of the world might sleep a little easier at night.
TC: Now you are going overboard. Guilt is a necessary thing. If there was no such thing as guilt, everyone would do anything they wanted, regardless of who got hurt.
S: As opposed to what? Now? Am I missing something here? Please!
TC: You are missing my point.
S: No, it is you missing my point. Feeling bad about burning down someoneís house is one thing. Feeling guilty for experiencing a natural emotion is outrageous.
TC: I donít know? Maybe there is some truth to what you are saying.
S: Remember what I said about truth.
TC: It is a confusing subject.
S: Made confusing by whom? The religious world? The scientific world? Psychologists? Psychiatrists? Parapsychologists, the biggest frauds of them all? Why should anyone be allowed to interfere with your natural desires? That, my friend, is the birth of neurosis.
TC: You are speaking out of both sides of your mouth. In one breath, you are saying that we should be punished for our miserable sins. Now you say that guilt is bad and we should pretty much do as we please. You are definitely speaking out of both sides of your mouth.
S: And you only speak from the center of yours? No wonder you are so hard to understand. That explains the low voice and mumbling.
TC: You still did not answer my question.
S: There was a question in there? I must have missed it. You accused me of talking out of both sides of my mouth. Well, it seems that I do. However, that is a necessity. All of life is balance. Everything in moderation, as they say. Unchecked and unnecessary guilt is a sin against the soul. Is a sin against another more serious than a sin against ones self? Think on that one for a bit. By the way, martyrs would say that a sin against another is far worse. Yet each are destructive and each affects others. The sin against yourself spreads like a cancer through a family that has to live with an obsessed, depressed and generally miserable individual, much like you, I might add.
TC: You confuse me at times. There is a touch of wisdom to what you say. Almost frighteningly so.
S: No one ever said I was stupid or illiterate. You are bending and will soon break. I can be the perfect gentleman when I choose. On top of that, I have a lot of the answers that plague mankind. However, anything I say or do is written off as evil simple because of my reputation alone. I have a lot to offer mankind. Yet no one will listen except for the few who chose evil because they want power over others to make up for their own inadequacies. Inferior morons. However, not everything I say and do is evil. Remember, I was Godís first creation and He gave me great wisdom. He also gave me the earth for me to rule. Yet I am ignored. Jesus Himself said when asked about paying taxes to the Romans: ďRender unto Caesar what is Caesarís. Render unto God what is Godís.Ē
TC: And you point is?
S: Render unto me what is mine. Your own Jesus would agree. Everyone goes over my head to God but He put me here to rule.
TC: You drive me nuts. I do not for one minute believe that God gave you reign on earth and that He expects us to pay homage to you. Furthermore, Jesus would certainly not tell us to give anything to you.
S: I never said you had to pay homage to me. With your race, paying homage means nothing. You bow before God, you sit in Church and ďworship,Ē murmur prayers with no feeling, make promises to God you have no intention of keeping and then you fight like hell with each other leaving the parking lots.
TC: I have to agree with you there as far as the parking lots go. I always say that Christian charity ends in the parking lot. Okay, can we get back to the article now? So what do you do with those who worship you?
S: Are we a little uncomfortable? Is the shirt collar getting too tight? Donít bother answering. Since an answer seems to be what you desire, I will give you one. The bed bugs, I let them rot. They think that by slaughtering an animal and painting their fingernails black that I will give them paradise. They are so damn mixed up that even I donít know what they want. God Himself must be confused by them. I let them have their little pleasures here and there and when they no longer amuse me, I let them rot or better yet, kill themselves. That pisses God off no end, I can assure you. All they want are sex and drugs and a power they are not capable of comprehending, let alone handling. Now, the true worshippers, they are rewarded handsomely. They are some of the biggest movers and shakers.
TC: Is that so? That is a scary thought.
S: Indeed it is and it should be.
TC: What else are you proud of?
S: The chaos in this world is a treasure to me. Your race is so screwed up it is not even funny to me. In my infinite dreams, I never imagined abortion being such a big issue. You people even fight over it. It is so unnecessary. Hell, donít get pregnant and there is no issue. Itís too simple even for simple-minded people. Another biggie is your androgynous culture. Canít tell the men from the women anymore. I rail hysterically when I see all of these legal battles over whether men should marry men and women should marry women. Normal marriage is tough enough, donít you think? The things you people fight for are amazing. No one fights for an end to poverty. The money is there but it gets spent on frivolous lawsuits, court battles like the above-mentioned lunacy and a host of other things. Greed is one of the best inventions this world has ever seen. Unfortunately, I did not come up with that one. Your society has people with more money than they can ever spend while huge segments of your population live in rat holes with little or no food. You spend enormous amounts of money on unhealthy practices such as smoking and drinking, destroying the bodies God gave you. You pay ďathletesĒ more money to perform meaningless tasks than you do the people who have all the responsibility in the world. This, you all did to yourself. I had no hand in it at all. You have the rich and the poor. And with all your haughty talk, who really cares for the poor? The rich? Now that is funny. They are the lepers of your time. It is easily within your power to end all hunger and all sickness and all poverty. Yet you donít even address that. Mankind consists of six billion individuals. There is no unity.
TC: And you have nothing to do with that, right. You just skate away.
S: Oh, I have a hand in it but as I said earlier, I donít work that hard. You are a doomed race and I simply sit and wait for the day it all comes to an end. And do you know what, so do you people.
TC: You are so sure of yourself. That is total nonsense.
S: Is it? You have the vast majority of people spending their time wishing their lives away. They wish away five out of seven days. They wish away months waiting for vacations. They wish away their lives dreaming of retirement. Then they wonder why they are depressed. God gives each and every one of you a new beginning each day and all you do is continue with the ultimate soap opera, so caught up in the script are you that you do not see all that is available to you.
TC: Yep, pretty despicable. And yet, God loves us.
S: Donít rub it in my face you little shit. If I had my wayÖ
TC: Didnít you say that you are the ruler of this world?
S: Yes, but there are things God will not allow me free reign to do. He should. I could make His life much easier. For one, He would not have to listen to you people whine all the time. ďPlease give me thisĒ or ďI really need thatĒ or ďhelp my sick aunt.Ē ďHelp me through work tomorrow.Ē You people whine for everything. You are worse than infants. At least they whine out of need. You whine for the fun of it. Your whole prayer thing is stupid. You think that by mumbling a bunch of words over and over again, God is going to help you? I can guarantee you that He simply tunes them out, if He even hears them at all. How many times does He want to hear lies from you? Listen to this one: ďOur Father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.Ē Spare me, please. You donít want His will done, you want your will done and when you donít get it you blame God for doing exactly what you asked Him to do in the first place. Idiots. Then you pray to Jesus Mother. She wants to be hailed fifty times a day. How egotistical is that?
TC: I can understand why you single her out since she is the one who stands on your head. Did you ever think that we want to pray to her fifty three times to be exact? I personally say many Rosaries daily.
S: Yes, I have heard you mutter them. Not exactly a whole lot of feeling behind them. Mumble, mumble, mumble. Do you think she really cares?
TC: Yes, I do.
S: You are such a weak fool.
TC: You know, itís funny. You tear apart prayer, make a mockery out of it yet it makes you tremble in fear.
S: How dare you say that to me! I tremble in fear to no one and no thing. Your pain will be great, I assure you.
TC: Did I strike a nerve? You know what, it is late in the day and I am starting to tire of your bull. You inflict terrible pains on me and others but you know what, when all is said and done, you are nothing more than a coward. You pick on the weakest people like the impotent bully that you are. You take such pride in such small victories. Will you punish me? Well, you have been for a long time and that is why I try to fight you and your minions at every turn. Do I win? No, not necessarily. I have no power over you but Jesus does and I have seen your cohorts disappear at the very mention of His name. You can only inflict on me what God allows you to and as bad as it can be, I have to trust in Him that He will do what is right for me. I will admit here publicly that I have a multitude of faults and weaknesses and I am easily exploited. I am an easy mark for you and I donít know why you revel in you victories over me. I am nothing on this earth. However, I am something to God and when the show finally ends, there will be one loser and that is you. It takes unmitigated gall for you to act as if you are the end all and that we should all tremble before you like you are some magnificent power. You are nothing but a huckster with class. Make that a huckster without class. You lie and threaten and offer false promises when you donít have the ability to give anything other than what God allows you. You act so superior to us humans but you are under Godís control just as we are. You criticize Him for giving us free will but look what it did for you. Perhaps He was caught at a weak moment. Were He not infallible, I would say He made a mistake when He created you.
S: I should be angered by your little speech but I am not. Your passion on the subject amuses me. I donít have to punish you. You do a good enough job of that yourself. You see, that is where I get my joy. I like watching you and others beat themselves down without any coaxing from me. You donít realize it but you disappoint God far more than I do. You worry about things that are so insignificant. You overlook all the joys He has sent you. I just sit back and watch it all with a great deal of amusement. Oh, by the way, at the end of this, you will realize that you have lost.
TC: We will see about that. You know, in one breath, you talk about your power and in the next, you say you donít use it. Which is it?
S: Which do you want it to be? You have all the resources you need to excel but you hold yourself back. Not just you, but your pathetic race as a whole. You will walk away from this interview more confused than ever about your faith. I am comfortable with who I am. You are not. You keep trying to be something you are not. Then you try to be something else again. Your self-esteem is shot and that goes for all of you. You try to change the way you look. You have expensive surgeries just to look ten years younger. It is little more than bathing a sewer rat. You people eat until you look like ridiculous globs. Then you fret about losing it. You change your hair color, as if that matters. You have pictures placed under your skin and you have people pierce your bodies, piercing even the most delicate, private parts of the body. Is this sane? If God wanted rings on your penisí, He would have given you them. You take what God gave you and then try to improve on it. That has to hurt His feelings more than anything I do. He wants you to rejoice in what He gave you, not to change it. You are so unappreciative. Spoiled children, thatís what you all are. Jesus told you to love one another and what do you do? You hate each other. You hate your co-workers; you hate your leaders, some of whom are under my jurisdiction. You hate your neighbors. You constantly complain about money and then you throw it away on toys you tire of right away. Then you complain some more. You asked me why I hate you people. Well, that is your answer. God has given everything to you and you do not appreciate any of it. You destroy the beauty he gave you. You destroy the lesser creatures he provided for your beauty. You call me a coward? None of you have the courage to face yourselves, let alone solve the worldís ills. You are too busy trying to reshape what God gave you rather than help those with less. People pay thousands of dollars on a daily basis to erase lines on their worn out faces, or liposuction to suck away their excesses caused by their own weaknesses or they have their breasts enlarged. Can you imagine how many millions of dollars are spent every year on that nonsense? Can you imagine how many people could be fed or sheltered with that money? Are big tits on a fifty year old more important than starving children? He tests you all the time and you fail constantly. Yet he still loves you. Not that you see that. Then when things are bad, you blame it on me. Talk about accepting responsibility for ones actions. And then you have the audacity to criticize me. That is the biggest joke of all. What say ye to that?
TC: My father once told me to never engage in a pissing contest with a skunk.
S: And just which one of us is the skunk, might I ask?
TC: Subject to perspective, I think.
S: That is about as lame an answer I have ever heard and I have heard many. Do you feel defeated yet? That was the purpose of this interview, at least in my mind. That was my agenda and I have done well with it. You needed to be taken to task for you conceit, your arrogance, and your superiority complex. You needed to be taken to task for the insane notion that you can defeat me. You thought you could verbally wrestle with me? You thought you could find some way of showing me up. How has it worked for you? Feeling a little impotent yet? I am what I am and I do not try to hide that. What you see with me is what you get. I control hordes of devils and demons and I have none of the problems you and your kind whine about. I control hordes and you cannot control yourself. That is why I sometimes send them to possess some of you. It is almost like a reward for them. It is like throwing a bone to a dog. You are such easy prey. I just have to let you all know that I am here and doing fine. Possession is one way of doing that. There are others. Sometimes I reward my better demons by letting them run amok in one household or another. Then what happens? Some lightweight like you that has no true understanding of how to live life races in and tries to meddle in my affairs. You have your meters and prayers and all that TV nonsense and you think my demons will quake in fear. The whole lot of you is comical. Look at what even you refer to as the alphabet game. Your Internet lists thousands of websites devoted to paranormal ďexperts.Ē We have your genius, FSPP but there are thousands out there. It is the LMNOP club as far as I am concerned. What makes any of you experts? The overwhelming majority of you opportunists would run with soiled pants at the very sight of me. It seems to me all you frauds are trying to do is make money off of me. You give lectures, for a fee, I might add. You try to sell your poorly written books, books full of lies. And you call me the father of lies? Some of you go on the lecture circuit and brag about how many times you have defeated me. Name just one. It is contemptible and nauseating. And furthermore, how do you think God feels when He sees His children turn to the occult to improve their lives? Look at all the spell books out there. Spells to make money. Spells to find love. Everyone wants to find a better way than God provided you. That, my friend, is blasphemy. As you so rightly pointed out, Jesus died to save mankind from their sins. Yet it is you, not me who drove those stakes in. You people hurt Him far more than I do.
TC: You almost act as if you care about God.
S: You are a bigger fool than I thought you were. I cannot care about a God who threw me away. If you opened your eyes, you would see that he threw you away too.
TC: Do tell.
S: Címon. Do you honestly think life is fair?
TC: What does fair have to do with anything?
S: It has everything to do with everything. God made some people beautiful. He made others ugly as sin, pardon the pun. He gives wealth and fame to a few and lets the masses suffer. Do you think that is right? He plays favorites on a massive, immeasurable scale. Some have all; most have nothing. Some people get everything they ask for while others never have a prayer answered. You are not going to insult my intelligence by saying that does not bother you because we both know it bothers the living hell out of you. You lament that constantly.
TC: I have to trust that He knows what He is doing.
S: Oh, He knows exactly what He is doing. That is the shame of it. He knows exactly whom He favors and He lets the rest of you rot. The awesome beauty of it is that the worse He treats you, the more you pray to Him. You worship, as much as you feebs worship anything but yourselves a God who denies you everything when I offer everything. Now that is perverse! Deny it, I dare you.
S: So now whose tongue does the cat have? I am making you uncomfortable simply by pointing out the truth. An idiot should not engage in a battle of wits with a genius. Now you are trying to find some bizarre way to rationalize that one away. Come on, talk now.
TC: God gives us all that we need. It is up to us to make something out of it.
S: On the ropes now, are we? Are you telling me that He treats everyone the same? Come on, I demand an answer! Does He or does He not treat everyone the same?
TC: No, He does not treat us all the same but He gives us all we need.
S: That is patented bullshit and even your cockroach intelligence cannot accept that as true. Look at your face. It is ashen, drained of all color because I have just pointed out to you a reality that even you cannot deny. Explain how He gives you what you need when people are starving to death or dying from horrible diseases. ďLook at the lilies of the field.Ē Do you honesty buy that hogwash when there are some many people homeless? They say God never gives you more than you can handle but look at your suicide rate. Well mister wordsmith, what is your answer?
TC: God knows what He is doing and if there are some people who suffer more than others, He has a reason for that. Before you say anything else, no, I donít know why that is but I am sure He does. I have to trust that He is doing what is best for all of us. We may never know in this lifetime why that is but I am sure that some day, it will all be clear.
S: For a short time there, I thought you were different, enlightened almost. Silly me. Arenít you in for a rude surprise! I will thoroughly enjoy watching you suffer. I will treasure the look on you face when you find out that this is all there is and that you were duped. I know what the truth is!
TC: There is where you just screwed up. If this is all there is, why are you here? Why would there be an infinite being if there were no place to go to after our time here is up? The fact that you even exist shows there is a spirit world and thus, we are spiritual beings. You said before that a century is just a millisecond. If that is the case, then our suffering here is simply a millisecond or even less. The reward is eternal so what is a little suffering in the overall scheme of things?
S: Ask that to the person doing the suffering, you pompous ass.
TC: Well, at least you didnít say arrogant ass. I have grown so tired of the word. It is like the ďMy name is legion for we are many,Ē line. Totally overused.
S: You watch too much television. We have only used that line twice. It is you people who keep it alive.
TC: I will tell you something else. In you little diatribe a few minutes ago, you talked about how God gave us all we needed and how we screw it up. Then in the next breath, you talk about how unfair God is and how He plays favorites. We are speaking with a forked tongue, it would appear. Of course, that is what a snake has, right?
S: Your mind opens and closes more than a whoreís legs. You see and hear what you want and you disregard the rest. Whatever fits in that little brain at the moment is what governs you. Not logic, not wisdom. Just whatever fits the particular circumstances.
TC: Not for nothing but now you are making no sense at all. Did the powerful devil get his feelings hurt?
S: You impudent piece of garbage. What do you know about feelings? You have been on this earth, my earth for 47 years and you have the nerve to mention feelings, something I have been dealing with since the dawn of time. That is a trait of you people. You act so tough because you know that ultimately, God will save you. You pick a fight and then you go home to mother and hope she bails you out. You are all so very tough when you invoke Godís name. How many times have my demons been driven away by you worthless pieces of shit because you call on Jesus, your big brother to save you. Were it not for that, you would tremble at the very name of Satan. But no, you are all tough because your God knows you are wimps and He always rushes in to save you. You throw holy water around to burn my legions. You call for damnation on them. You act all high and mighty but not a single one of you has ever beaten me or my legions by yourselves. You always have to have God do that for you. He made me the most powerful creature and yet He allows me to get slapped around by living rubbish. Where is the fairness in that? I should be feared and exalted. I am the prince of this world and yet fleas assail me. That is my argument with God.
TC: Would you like a napkin to dab your eyes? I can see why pride is one of the seven deadly sins. It sure causes you great suffering.
S: You cause me great suffering. You and the rest of you miserable beings. Still, I enjoy your sarcasm. It is your most likable trait.
TC: It did not have to be this way. You had paradise and threw it away and you pick on us because of your own stupidity.
S: You do not know what you are talking about and I would be very careful of the word ďstupidityĒ if I were you. You appear to have mastered it. Adam and Eve had paradise and look what they did with it.
TC: Your insults aside, you once again seem to be comparing yourself to us. What makes you so sure that I do not know what I am talking about? Perhaps I have existed for more than my 47 years on your earth. Perhaps, as God says, I too am immortal.
S: Do you dare to compare yourself to me?
TC: Hell no. I would never want to be in the same sentence as you.
S: Donít worry. You are not fit to shine my shoes.
TC: What kind of shoes fit over hooves?
S: Ask the next deer you see.
TC: Iíll do that.
S: I canít wait to see the answer you get.
TC: It will make more sense than anything I have gotten from you.
S: Angry now, arenít we? You think you can compete with me and come away clean?
TC: If you swim in shit, you are sure to get some on you.
S: Now you know how I feel.
TC: I keep forgetting. We are your big problem. Maybe if you left us alone, you would be less miserable. Have you considered asking God for forgiveness?
S: Mind you own business.
TC: Maybe it is my business?
S: Pray tell, how so?
TC: Perhaps if you asked for forgiveness, and I think you would get it, this world would be better for all of us.
S: You are so naÔve. Like I said earlier, you people will just destroy each other whether I am involved or not. You people are savages, pure and simple.
TC: And of course, you are the great angel, dedicating his existence to the good of mankind.
S: There is no good in mankind to work with. As the phrase goes, ďYou canít make chicken salad out of chicken shit.Ē
TC: You might want to ask God about that. He seems to find something good in us.
S: He will tire of you soon enough. It is getting near the time of the great chastisement. I dream of that day when you will all burn for your sins.
TC: Donít get too happy. You may be the kindling He uses to start the fire.
S: It would be my honor!
TC: And you call me the fool. Hot is hot, right?
S: If I am to burn, I will take you and the rest of your human garbage with me.
S: You know, I could almost like you. We are more alike than you realize.
TC: Perish the thought.
S: Shall I slap you around some more or do you want to end this interview, if that is what you dare to call it?
TC: What would you call it?
S: A good beating administered on my part.
TC: It might not be as one sided as you think.
S: (Laughing) And you question my pride! It hasnít been that close.
TC: All you have done is contradict yourself.
S: What I have done is confuse the hell out of you.
TC: Donít applaud yourself too much. I came pre-confused.
S: Well, perhaps it is time to end this, for now anyway. Post this for your 2 or 3 readers and see what kind of feedback you get, if any at all.
TC: I will and I am sure my fans will like the article.
S: Both of them.
S: Have I struck a nerve?
TC: Whatís in a number?
S: Allow me to leave you with this parting shot. You can go back to your make-believe fantasy world of ghosts and goblins and write whatever drivel you choose to. There are always some out there gullible enough or stupid enough to believe whatever they read. Since you obviously canít handle the real world, keep to your fantasy one. The rest out there can do whatever they do, lie to themselves however they do and get through their meaningless days, worrying as if their lives really matter. Let your readers know that I am out there. Keep an eye on your TVís over the next few years.
TC: Planning big moves or are you predicting the future now?
S: No, I donít plan anything and you donít have to be Nostradamus to know that terrible days are ahead.
TC: Glad to see you are not playing Nostradamus.
S: Truthfully, I never understood what the hell he was talking about, quatrains and all. He should have written in plain French. Of course, there was the inquisition to worry about. More of man at his best. No, you people are headed on an inevitable path with destruction. I will do my part but as you have learned, I donít work that hard. Someone somewhere will blow something up and someone else will retaliate and this will go on for another five thousand years, maybe longer. More diseases will be created and leaked out, poverty will grow stronger and stronger and people will probably want to marry sheep next. Misery will continue and prayers will go unanswered. You see, my message is simple: there is no hope. And now you know it. You should have interviewed someone else. The pleasure has been all mine.
Thus ended the interview with Satan. He says he will come back again to finish the job, if necessary.
© T. Cooney 2004